It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I’ve been incredibly busy since the beginning of the semester! Two weeks ago we started the show Snob Rock on WMUL, and last week I started as sound engineer (well, I’m not the sole sound engineer, it’s my first time doing anything in the studio). Last week I also signed on with the Society of Professional Journalists as a fundraising chairperson, pending the payment of my dues. I was also inducted officially into the National Society of Collegiate Scholars last Friday night and got a nifty pin for it, and this coming Saturday I’ll be going with them (hopefully) to the Little Victories animal shelter to socialize dogs. The night after next my brother and I are trying to check out a jiu-jitsu class at the rec center, and I’ve gotten the ball rolling (hopefully) for a daily exercise regimen. Too bad I saw no improvement in my sciatic nerve pain. It actually made it worse. Anyway.

On top of all that, I’m still in school. (Haha, right?) I’m only taking 16 credit hours right now, but that algebra class is a killer. I get up at 7am every day to go to math class and relearn stuff I’ve been doing since 7th grade. Sigh. Social psych hasn’t really taken up enough of my time to complain about, neither have Spanish or economics. Advertising & Continuity Writing, on the other hand… that class kills me, too. Advertising is a lot harder than I anticipated. I think I’m doing alright so far, with a little help from my friends (haha–I just need to pass this class, I don’t feel like I have to be good at it). My last ad, that’s due tomorrow, is pretty fly, I have to admit. Candace helped me put it together, since she did this kinda stuff in her graphic design class at Rumsey. (And, I used the word “fly,” because my roomie is talking to her mom about getting craft flies for her art project. Haha. It’s okay, “fly” is boss.)

Oh, and I submitted a poem or two to a local start-up magazine called Bethicket. The deadline was the 30th of this month, so I won’t know for a while after that probably, if I get anything back at all. That’s kind of exciting. I’m going to submit something to Et Cetera, the school literary magazine (they take photography, too, and I think I should consider that sometimes), once I decide to print “Hall of the Bear” again. Which Nikki critiqued for me, so I tweaked it a bit and I’m pleased. I also wrote a new poem sometime last week, which is sort of interesting. Besides that, I haven’t really written anything of interest. I need to get to my research for The Cerulean Empress and just generally the creative process for “Fall of Heaven.” I’m just not sure which character to use in part 5, or whether I should add a new thread to the story with a new character who’s not already on the list I’ve got going.

So let’s see, any other miscellany? The season premier of Criminal Minds is on this Wednesday night. Then Thursday night is CSI (the original) which of course Nikki and I will be watching. I’m going home some weekend in October, hopefully getting a Halloween costume. I might get a ragtag group together to go trick-or-treating, once we find somewhere safe to do so. (I’m sure one of my local friends knows of somewhere we could go!) Otherwise, there’s the party at Marco’s, and Nicci and Nikki can join me there this year. That’s exciting. I watched the series premier of House earlier (or at least most of it), and it was pretty awesome. I like that they strayed from the formula that got horribly obvious when I watched the show too much last year when my roommate couldn’t live without the TV off. It was really neat, and refreshingly different from a) what I expect of House and b) what I watch on TV usually. He’s still one of my favorite characters on television, and the more I watch the more he seems similar to me (or maybe it’s just that the older I get, the meaner I get). Also, I love the cinematography. Anyway, I’m out!

That’s all the news from the desert.

[MONDAY]

Well, the family and I are on vacation in North Carolina. We’re staying in a one-bedroom condo in Sunset Beach. It’s really nice, and like five minutes from the beach. We were in the car from 8am til 5pm to get here, and we have the condo for a week for less than $500. All in all, pretty awesome. So far we’ve done a good bit. Mom and I came to the Carolinas for my spring break earlier this year (yeah, “spring” break…. in March), so we know some places and sort of know our way around. It’s new for Dad, Niko, and Britt so that’s kind of exciting.

Yesterday we went to Sunset Beach in the morning. I forgot how much I enjoy the environment of the beach. The best part, in my opinion, is the sand. I forgot what I actually used to like about the beach. It was so nice to bury my feet in the nice hot sand, and walk by the water and feel it squish underneath. Maybe I’m weird, but it’s my favorite thing. I did actually go in the water, and had fun after my Floridian kicked in and I could stay in for more than five minutes without getting so much water in my eyes that I had to stumble back to shore for a wipe of my towel.

We went out to Barefoot Landing yesterday afternoon. I got pictures of turtles, an alligator, some fowl, and of course some of the family. There’s a place at Barefoot Landing where they have Edward Teach’s pirate flag, and I really want one for my dorm room. I really love pirates, even if all the romance of it is a lie and they were all ruthless bastards. I don’t care, I find ruthless pretty attractive. I’m hoping I don’t find too many more interesting souvenirs, because Mom isn’t too keen on buying me a lot of stuff and I don’t really want to spend the $20 I have on this one thing.

Right now we’re getting ready to leave for Calabash to go on a Dolphin Adventure Cruise. I’m pretty excited. I hope I get a lot of good pictures. That’s one of the highlights of vacation, besides the actual traveling. Gotta get going now, maybe I’ll post pictures up later!

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So, we got on the cruise. It was amazing! I loved it. I twisted my ankle and scraped my knee on the way to the pier to get onto the ship, but… it’s okay. The ship was alright, and it was pretty amazing being on the ocean. We could see the jellyfish underneath the water (unfortunately, they didn’t photograph too well) and don’t even get me started about the sea gulls. They got so close it seemed like you could reach out and touch them.

I actually did get a few pictures of the dolphins as they chased after the shrimping boat eating the guy’s catch. There were no sharks, sadly. The other dolphin cruise boat from the other company got incredibly close to the dolphins, and the jet ski tour people actually ended up with a dolphin in the middle of them because the leader was going faster than the dolphins were swimming. That bothered me a little.

Here’s a link to the pictures from our vacation so far (excluding people shots). If you go under Albums, the Dolphin Adventure Cruise is all we did Monday. I got some video, too, but I haven’t reviewed it yet so I don’t know if any of it’s even worth keeping.

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[TUESDAY]

Actually, we went to the beach last night. It’s pretty awesome at night, although a little scary. I mean, it’s crazy to think that only a few feet away a shark could possibly be feeding out in the water. I found a plastic sand-toy turtle (it has Dark Tower significance) that washed back up onto the beach.

So this morning we went to the beach, all except my sister. The guy who owns the condo came yesterday and got us boogie boards. On our way we stopped at a Waves store and got Dad sandals, and I got a new bandanna to wear over my hair with roses on it (also DT significant). We were only at the beach for an hour or two, because there was some serious pull and it was exhausting to fight it! Mom and I saw a yellowish crab up by the entrance to the pier, which was kinda neat. I’d never seen a crab that big alive.

I ate lunch when we got back, and now I’m tired and in need of a shower. Off to do that after I have some fries (still not done with this whole lunch thing, ha), and then get changed for our trip to Broadway at the Beach later.

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We left for BatB around 4 o’clock. Walked around a good bit, did some window-shopping. We went to the Ripley’s Aquarium, and I got some decent pictures there (round two!). After that we got snacks, and found a place to watch the fireworks. The dragon from the Dragon’s Lair mini golf course talks and introduces the fireworks as something related to MagiQuest. The fireworks were pretty awesome, but I missed the last half of the finale because I got a piece of debris in my eye. Of all the people, and of all the places for it to land! Ugh! Anyway after that we went to Steak ‘n’ Shake for dinner. We got home around midnight, and here I am online talking to Mason. I have to empty my camera of its pictures, put the battery to charge, and then skedaddle off to bed for another long day tomorrow.

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[WEDNESDAY]

We did more or less nothing today. It was kind of nice, actually. Woke up in the morning, hung around. Mom went to the grocery store and brought back lunch and dinner. We had lunch and then went for a walk at the beach, all except for Dad. It was a nice walk, but it went right through naptime! So when we got back to the condo I went to sleep.

After dinner, around 8:00, we all left for the beach. We played Frisbee until it got too dark to see it, and then we moved camp a little farther away from the pier and all its light pollution. Altogether I think we only saw four or five meteors of the Perseid shower. It was kind of sad. But Nick and I built a sand pyramid, and I enjoyed staring up at the sky with the sounds of the beach around me. I also got to talk to Paul today.

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[THURSDAY]

We went to Brookview Gardens. It’s a giant park of gardens (obviously), statues, and it has a zoo. We walked around the gardens from maybe noon to 2 o’clock or so, and at the zoo until 4 o’clock. We had a snack at the Old Kitchen (where I’m thinking a plantation used to be, judging by the giant moss-covered trees) and got back to the condo around 6:00. Mom and I slept until 8:30 and then went out to find a seafood buffet for dinner. We ended up in North Myrtle Beach at Captain Bennett’s. The food wasn’t awesome, and the ribs they had were mostly fat, but we definitely ate a good bit. I love buffets.

[FRIDAY]

I’m uploading my pictures from yesterday. Today is our last day, and it’s raining. I want to go back to Barefoot Landing to get my Blackbeard flag, and we were hoping to go to a ritzy-ish restaurant so we can wear our dresses tonight.

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Actually, I went to the beach with Mom, Nick, and Britt. After that (some hours later?) we all went to play mini-golf. Britt won, Nick was last. I was second to last, but for once I wasn’t the loser. Instead of going to a restaurant we hit the Lowe’s Foods and got stuff for dinner. I had macaroni and cheese and a baked potato. It was all good.

[SATURDAY]

We left the condo at 7 or 7:30am. The drive lasted until about five o’clock and it was pretty awful. We had Denny’s for lunch and pizza for dinner. Mom paid Candi and around six pm we took her home. Since then I’ve been watching SVU. When we got home the Internet didn’t work, but Mom went out and paid the bill so we’re online again (obviously). Now Criminal Intent is on, and at some point I’ll go to bed… I have to start my summer reading again, too (and packing, and having my last hurrahs with my friends, and and and.)

xoxo & pzc

I bought Treasure Island, Road to Perdition, and El Espinazo del Diablo on DVD the past week, as well as a guide called The Road to the Dark Tower. Including the laptop bag my dad bought me, my mail came one thing a day from Monday through Friday. I have to say, that was pretty awesome. It made me feel special, haha. I have to pick some day to sit down and watch all of the movies, and I think I’ll wait at least until I’m done with Wizard & Glass to read the new Dark Tower book (although it’s tempting to not; I’m having a lot of trouble finishing W&G). The day before yesterday Candace came over to spend the night, and we were gonna make something and go to the surprise birthday party that had been planned for a friend the next day. Alas, the party was cancelled yesterday morning, so our plans for yesterday got dashed to bits. We ended up walking around the mall and Walmart for two hours, and that was basically the highlight of the day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no inner dialogue.  And I’ve already lost my train of thought.

So far this summer I have read The Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three; The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands; The Secret Life of Laszlo, Count Dracula; and have started on Kidnapped, The Illustrated Man, and The Dark Tower IV: Wizard & Glass.

I’m re-reading the Dark Tower series. The rest of those books I’m reading for the first time. The other day I went out and bought a used copy of The Talisman, and I may reread it and Black House (its sequel) if I don’t take forever getting through Wizard & Glass to get into the rest of the Dark Tower series (Wolves of the Calla, Song of Susannah, The Dark Tower).

Summer reading is great. I haven’t been doing a lot of writing, but I will get to it. I did finally finish Fall of Heaven III: The Death of Faith, so I’m not totally failing.

the elephant in the way

I have trouble expressing my emotions (see post: Cognitive Dissonance). It’s incredibly frustrating, because I do often have feelings, sometimes even very strong feelings, but I just can’t show them to other people. I have a hard time articulating what’s going on inside me, and so most of the time I just don’t even try. It’s not necessarily because I don’t want to communicate (although that’s beginning to become a part of the isue nowadays), but there’s just no way for me to get my feelings across. It’s like being on an island just close enough that you can see the one across the water, but the bridge has been burned down and you can’t get there from your island. That’s what I feel like. Sometimes it’s like there’s me, inside my body, the person I really am, and then there’s the me that experiences the world. I see the me inside when I look at my reflection in a window, and sometimes I see her on blank notebook pages. But there’s this physical body that’s symbolic of a barrier that separates the real me from the world I want to experience. It’s like I’m trapped on one side of the glass, and the rest of the world is on the other side. I can see it, I can almost taste it, but I can’t experience it. That’s the feeling I get when I watch the world pass by through my reflection in a car window, or when I watch birds and squirrels fly and skitter around the yard through one of the windows in the house.

I generally would like to be able to communicate when I am feeling upset, or when I do actually feel attached to someone. But I really just can’t. Partially because I don’t believe they’ll care, and partially just for lack of capability. And now I don’t even feel like I can be emotionally attached to anyone besides my family. After all the things that have happened in the past 3 years, I just hardly see it as possible. I’ve always shied away from closeness and personal disclosure and physical intimacies, and now I’m to the point where I just don’t see the point in any of it. I’m planning the rest of my life around the person that’s guaranteed to be in it: me. I can’t hang my hat on dreams for the future that depend on the existence of some significant other. It’s just impractical, and sometimes I turn my practicality into a fault.

In all honesty, I”m not sure what I really want out of myself or out of my life. I don’t know whether I feel like my self-diagnosed schizoid personality is a problem or if I even care enough to do anything about it either way. I may always be frustrated with my inability to communicate and articulate emotions, and I am sort of leaning toward feeling like I may never be capable of having a normal relationship with another human being. I see every fault in me, and some that probably aren’t even really there, and I accept them. There are a lot of things about me that I can’t change, and I feel like this may be one of them. Maybe my depression and my subsequent relationships have caused my personality to take a nosedive and crash into personality disorder. I guess I could live with that, as long as I have some explanation as to why I am the way I am. I personally like to have a name for the elephants in my way.

(PS, I’m kind of enjoying writing emotionally about lacking emotion and how I can’t express it. It’s kind of ironic. Well, a little more than “kind of”.)

life as a tea kettle

I drink a lot of tea. Mostly just Tetley regular tea, but sometimes different flavors too. I walk around impatiently waiting for the kettle to whistle, usually having something else to do in the meantime but not always. And sometimes I know how the kettle feels. It often sits there unattended, brimming with potential tea, until it’s put on the stove and the water set to boil. How sometimes I feel like I go unnoticed until my emotions start to fester and then become unbearable. That every once in a while it all builds up and I have to scream–at least metaphorically–to let it all out. Not necessarily even just anger; pretty much any emotion can come to a boil if left on a hot burner long enough. And there’s the expectation to show these pent up feelings, like I owe it to anyone to express the things that go on inside me. It’s mostly frustrating, and a little intimidating too. Especially when I’m not to boiling yet.

This is a small essay explaining the poem I wrote–”Asterisks, not Stars.” The poem and the essay can be purchased for 30ȼ here.

The idea behind “Asterisks, not Stars” came to me after a friend of mine died in January, 2008. He was not an obviously successful man—he worked at the mall and was a “mall rat” who deejayed for parties. But what a person could never know just from these small glories is that Derek “Digi” Allan Pence touched so many lives in small-town Martinsburg, WV. I think for the short time he lived in Martinsburg, Digi was the most-loved man around. Even if you had only met him once, you felt like he was a best friend. He was always so humorous and full of life, he could make your day if you only saw him for a few fleeting moments at the mall. He may not have been incredibly stimulating to the economy, and he may not have drastically changed anything deliberately, but Derek did change a little bit of all of us, before and after he passed away. And that, to me, is immeasurable success.

What I was trying to articulate in the poem is the idea that although people may not necessarily be impressive on the outside, in regard to the way they look or the way they interact socially (or in the way they don’t), they can still do and be remembered for doing great things—whether they be big, historical things, or small, personal things. Someone who may be the most obvious, outwardly favorable person (a star) isn’t necessarily going to do what one would consider great things, and may only be remembered as superficially as they were experienced (the “hollow beauty” idea expressed in the poem). A person can be socially adept, physically beautiful, and have a wonderful personality, but if they never use these things to the benefit of the people around them, can they really be worth remembering so fondly?

I also tried to communicate how those who do special things go on to be remembered for what they did for another person, no matter how big or small a favor. An asterisk denotes that there is a footnote about whatever word or term comes before it in a paper or a book; it has a purpose, and whatever comes after that asterisk in the footnote is something so important it couldn’t (or at least shouldn’t) be left out of the piece. It’s better to be a footnote in the book of someone’s life than to be something (or someone) simply mentioned in passing, that they don’t think twice about. I also wanted to point out how more striking it is to be a good person, even if you let it go unnoticed, because of how seldom true altruism takes place. Anyone can shine given the right lighting (or lack thereof), but not everyone has that inner glow that makes them stand out—if not only slightly—in the end.

I guess, to me, it’s comforting to feel that people don’t have to think or know that you’re doing good by them, but to know that someday they’ll look back on what you may have done for them and be thankful that they had you in their life. I hope someday I will be one of those who people remember that way.

I am tired of keeping my feelings pent up and secret. But I don’t have the vocabulary to talk about how I feel when I’m feeling it, and when I’m not, I can’t admit that I ever do. I hate the thought of seeming weak or vulnerable. I’m very guarded. As far as other people know, I never have serious emotions about anything. Besides when Digi died, no one outside of my family has ever seen me cry (not counting when I was little). I want to talk about how I’m feeling, so I feel like someone cares, but at the same time I feel like nobody cares enough for me to talk to them about any of it–actual fears, things that really make me happy, when I’m truly feeling sad. Even here as I’m writing about my confusion, I’m having a hard time finding the words, and am debating with myself whether I really want to publish this and let others see it or not. I just feel like now, with how I’ve interacted with the people in my life so far, if I came to them with my emotions, they wouldn’t know what to do or what to say, or worse, they just really wouldn’t care at all. And it’s a hard habit to break, this stoicism, or whatever the word for it is. I want to open up but I don’t, and I’m not sure whether it’s because I can’t or just won’t. I don’t even know how one brings up stuff like that, especially how to start when it’s something that never happens, and that nobody expects.

I confess to walking around campus tonight, crying to my mp3 players. Thinking about Digi and Ry and Jeremy and goneness. How abruptly I’ve lost (or dropped) people in the recent past, and how sad and lonely the suddenness is. It’s really what causes that hollow chest feeling–the sudden, utter goneness. I really wanted someone to talk to, but I don’t know how to communicate that to someone without feeling vulnerable and needy and pathetic. And again, who would want to listen? I don’t know if, at the time, I could have articulated why exactly I was feeling down, except in the tweets I texted to my Twitter while I was out there (“After all this time i still cant come to terms with complete, utter goneness” and “No one dies alone; a little piece of everyone who loved someone dies with them when they go“), and I can’t see me verbalizing those without feeling foolish. And I guess I’ve typed up everything I can say about tonight without it becoming a rant.

I don’t get stressed often. Really, I don’t. I’m not sure what it is, because I know I tend to overload myself with work (18 credit hours, hurray!), but only maybe once every couple of months do I feel stressed from my everyday life. And I’m feeling it today, and was yesterday. My computer’s keyboard is bust, which means I can’t do my classwork or my station work or my work-for-fun in the comfort of my dorm room anymore! And I have to wait until at least next weekend, when my parents are coming down to look at a house we want to buy for my brother, two of our friends, and myself here by school next year; dad will probably have to take the computer home with him. I’m thinking about getting a netbook to supplement the fact that I can’t type on my laptop. My monstrosity of a Lenovo is still a great entertainment system for a computer (awesome sound, big screen), just isn’t very travelable, so I’m thinking we can keep it around for watching Netflix online and playing music over the Web. Then my little netbook can be my word processor and web surfer, and it can travel with me between home in Huntington and home in M-burg. The netbook I want is either the Asus Eee PC 900HA, or the 904HA; it’s got the smallest [affordable] screen at 8.9 inches, the best sound rating in a Netbook Round-up, and either a 6-cell or 4-cell battery depending on which one I can get (6-cells are the largest batteries put in netbooks so far; they have the longest performance time before the computer shuts down, at 5 hours on very minimal settings). Also, the two that I’m looking at either way cost less than $400. Mom was thinking about just buying me a desktop computer if Lenny isn’t fixable, but I really would rather not be chained to a desk.

So I’m stressed about the computer not functioning, and about talking to my mom about the netbook idea; not to mention the research paper I have due in two weeks that I’ve barely started on because I don’t care about the content and the research is impossible. I also have one more Spanish paper to write, as well as two more papers for theatre appreciation.. and registration is coming up next Friday! Which means I probably won’t get into ECN200 because I’m in the very last group to register behind incoming freshmen. Aghh… I’m stressing myself out just thinking about it. Methinks I’m going to go find something less stressful to do, now that I’ve gotten myself all wound up again. Hahaha. Ciao!

Right now I’m enjoying my spring break; after this week, I’ll have approximately one more month of my freshman year of college. Our final exams are the first week of May; then after that, May will be a whirlwind with my brother’s graduation and vacations–and then summer will be here. Over the summer I’ll have plenty of time to do the one thing I really have to do: work on my writing projects.

I have to read over “What to Do With a Gun” and “The Journal of Brian Ezhno” so that someday I can revise them; I still have most of “Jake Morrigan” to revise; “Fall of Heaven” might continue; I have to write at least to the end of Waxing in “The Cerulean Empress”; not to mention I have to map out “Moraya Koshka” and “Falling Awake.” The easiest project will probably be Jake Morrigan, since revising by section isn’t too hard–except for the section(s) I have to split up, like the one section where in the original version I covered the entire war in which Jake actually participated. I’m not sure how much longer it’ll be made, so it’s kind of been dogging on me. The toughest thing to work on is “Moraya Koshka”–you would not believe how difficult the research is, to find out about trade conditions particularly for Russians during the 1800’s. I couldn’t even find anything pertinent at the library at school! I have bits and pieces of other things I want to de-awkward and such, too. I need to get some input on “The Little Bird” and either scrap or amend “And then he was dead” (and give it a frigging title). “La chute de la maison des Moreaux” could use some fine-tuning also.

I actually left my writing stuff back in my dorm on purpose, because I didn’t want to get wrapped up in it over spring break. Pretty dumb, because now I’ve run out of things to do and I would love to be working on my stories right now. Unfortunately I’m at a stage in some of my things that I need the maps and printed plans and old copies to work on the stories in the first place, so without my expanding binder and my folders and Jake Morrigan binder, I am at a loss. Also I have trouble reading long things on my computer screen, and where 9 pages is long, I can’t exactly get through any of the reading I need to do of my stories, either, and I don’t want to waste ink on stuff I already have somewhere.

But, since I have to do something, I’m off to… do something. Arrivaderci!

My spring break started on Friday. Mom came Thursday and stayed the night, then Friday she drove Tyler and me home. On Saturday I went with Dad to Walmart, but besides that I stayed home and hung out with my siblings. Saturday night Kaitlyn, Ben, and Britt’s friend Luke came over and they played Cranium with Britt, Nick, and me. It was awesomely fun. I played on Kait and Ben’s team the first time, and we won; the second game, Nicci, Brittney, and I were on a team, and we won. So I won twice, and everyone else but Luke won once. Luke wasn’t on a winning team either time, very sad. But he seemed to have fun besides. lol.

Sunday morning Mom sprung a road trip on me. We packed up and headed south. Sunday we reached North Carolina, after driving through part of the Blue Ridge Parkway (would have been prettier later in the year!). The first overnight we spent at Whiteville, NC.

On Monday we did a lot of shit. First we were on our way to Cape Fear when we were sidetracked by a self-guided tour through the U.S.S. North Carolina. It was the most awesome thing, really. We got to go almost all around the ship, including into the turret and the bridge and below deck. I got some great pictures (too bad I forgot my battery charger..).

After the USSNC, Mom and I reached the Cape Fear River at Southport. We took some pictures there (lots of sea gulls), and then went to the first beach. It was Caswell Beach off Oak Island, where we also got pictures of a rather ugly lighthouse. The beach also has a giant oil line running across it, so it wasn’t amazing. You win some, you lose some, right? So after Caswell Beach we hopped into the car again and drove down to South Carolina. We spent the rest of the day in Myrtle Beach, actually at the beach, then at this little plaza where we ate at Joe’s Crab Shack and found Ripley’s Aquarium (we got to pet rays again, huzzah!). You had to cross a bridge to get to the aquarium and some other stuff, and the water under that bridge had the hugest catfish I’d ever seen–and they begged like dogs! It was pretty crazy.

We spent Monday night at Murrells Inlet. Holiday Inn Express mattresses are heavenly, by the way. I recommend HIE just for their mattresses, although their breakfast isn’t too bad, either. Tuesday we were headed back home. We stopped at Surfside Beach in South Carolina; we tried to get to the North Carolina zoo, but we got there at 4:13 and it closed at 4:00. Needless to say I was very disappointed. We skipped the American Tank Museum in Danville, VA, since it was way too late by the time we even hit Virginia, but Mom said sometime after Nicci’s graduation hopefully we’ll take a trip down that way and do those things, too, especially the zoo.

Mom and I got home at midnight Tuesday night. We stayed up until about 12:30 drinking tea and looking through pictures. I read the next introduction in my Gnostic Bible then went to bed, too. And now it’s Wednesday morning and I have no idea what’s going to happen the rest of my week. I will most likely go visit Ben and Kait at Shep, maybe invite Anthony over to watch Midnight Meat Train with me and get that screw I need for my computer, maybe go over to Jeff’s, and maybe do something with Tyler if I’m desperate. (Kidding!) I still have lots of cooking to make up for since last time I was home, too!

So Spring Break is the week after next. These 18 credit hours I’ve been wrestling with are starting to wind down finally, after midterms and just before the final grade homework hump. Next Tuesday I have an exam in two classes of the three classes I have; and I only got out of that third exam because our professor gets giddy talking about some things, and the ethics discussion is going to extend beyond this morning. There will probably be a quiz in Spanish next week, although I couldn’t say when. I know in marketing we’ll be taking our exam after break, and we’re not even close to our next exam in psychology.

And I’m still contemplating my minor. I’ve worked out my potential schedules for the rest of college, and the big hole in my plans is really my minor. I don’t know whether I really want to do meteorology; I’m kind of leaning toward creative writing, if it’s possible to minor in it. Beyond those two, if I like economics, maybe, but I doubt I’ll be good enough at it, and beyond that I don’t have a clue. I don’t really want to minor in Spanish, and the other foreign language minors are boring (French, German and Japanese). I wish we had law classes at Marshall, but all that’s here is Criminal Justice, and talk about boring! I would love a class on Constitutional law–hey, I found one. It still depends on my minor (how many credit hours it requires) when I can take that class in my schedule. though. Maybe I’ll take PSY330, too. It’s “Human Sexual Behavior.” I would find that interesting. I probably won’t actually take it though, methinks it’s too much.

Anyway… it’s finally almost the weekend, and tonight is my time to unwind, because tomorrow night I have to start reading for my accounting exam and looking over stuff for my journalism exam. Yikes!

So I have the rest of my college career planned out as far as credits and classes go. I’m definitely going to take the social dance class (two semesters), because I love love LOVE ballroom dancing and I’ve always wanted to learn. I’m also thinking about taking a violin class–the only problem is that I obviously don’t own a violin!

I think if I can I’m going to major in creative writing. I wanted to do meteorology before, but of course, I’m not really feeling it anymore. Sigh. I e-mailed my English professor from last semester and asked him if he knows, or who might. I really hope there is one, otherwise I’ll be back to my previous frustration.

The color red has the tendency to irritate me. And I know that you tend to see things differently depending on your mood; like maybe if I was happy, I would be counting blue cars instead. (Although, it is hard to miss all those red ones sticking out down there..)

The first weekend back at school is always the hardest. It hits me that I’m alone, whereas back home I had four people around almost constantly to keep me company when I wanted to have it. Here, all I get is mealtimes with Tyler, and Sunday afternoons. During the week I was fine, because I was so busy keeping track of my classes and getting back into the habit of having (and doing) my homework. But when I got back from dinner with a girl from my floor last night (Tyler ate while I was asleep… jerk), I pretty much had a breakdown. And it’s never about being lonely; it’s always about my body, and all the things I can’t change, the only things that ever make suicide seem okay.

Now, I’m not trying to get incredibly depressive, so I’ll spare the details. But to put it shortly, I’m depressed. (What a jump, right?) I’m going to drive myself crazy thinking about all these things I hate in people, and that ultimately I hate in myself. So it’s not really that I’m lonely, just that when I’m alone too long I get to thinking about all the things that make me miserable.

So much for that End-All of Misery Blogs, huh?..

So.. 2008 is over, and one day of 2009 has already come and gone. This is where I recap 2008, possibly with the help of my handy calendar. This is a habit I started once I got it from my sister last Christmas; it’s a lefty planner, with space to write around the date. So every day’s events (if remembered) are written down in that planner, for the entire year.

Last January was the worst. My friends and I struggled with Digi’s death, going to the mall and going to his viewing and “after-party.” In February was the fundraiser at the mall for Digi’s car, the DDR and Guitar Hero tournament. I got pulled over for the first (and, so far, only) time in February, too. I started going to the young writer’s group at the library and hanging out more with Gnorski. Got my hopes up, I did. Ha. My security guard quit in February, too!

In March was Kaitlyn’s birthday (on the 4th), followed by Digi’s; we had a snow day that day, the 5th, because a breaker went out near Digi’s house. Danielle’’s birthday was the 8th (busy week for birthdays; well, March is a busy month really). We got the Prius in March, and Candace came to live with us for spring break. Mom, Nicci, and I went to the zoo during spring break, too. In April I started taking birth control; Mom got me stoned for the first time, haha. I had my first dentist appointment in over a decade, too, and we had the car show for Rumsey.

May was the Streetlight Manifesto/Zox concert in Allentown, PA. The next night I went to prom with Jeff Kershner. I officially got the Promise scholarship. I went to the JRTI end-of-the-year picnic, just before the last day of high school. The LAST DAY of high school I found out about my identity theft. Spent an entire week dealing with that bullshit. Graduation was on the 23rd, and I had a migraine that felt like an anneurism. In June there was a miniature zoo outside the mall where I got a picture with a tiger. I cut all ties with Jeremy. Mom and I went to New York City for four days in June, too.

In July my family and I started to go to the high school and play tennis. I went to Pockets’s 19th birthday party, which was probably the most fun I had all year. Mom and I went to my freshman orientation at Marshall. All but Brittney went to a pool hall once in July, too. Pretty sure I went to see Batman the weekend it opened, with Nicci. I quit the library in July, too. I got my camera in August! The fair was in August, too. I adventured with Anthony to Chantilly to check out some computer school, too. That was totally an adventure, haha. The Summer Olympics were this year, too, in Beijing, and the opening ceremony was the most amazing thing. Mom, Candace, Nicci, and I went to Shepherdstown just to hang out, and the whole family and Candace went to Harpers Ferry and FINALLY took that ghost tour. Started classes in August at Marshall.

In September I went to see Jim Gaffighan, a comedian, with Tyler, at the Keith Albee. Lots of power outages, which led to lots of flights of stairs and some cancelled classes. Started the tradition of going to Tyler’s every Sunday between brunch and dinner. I went to the Greek festival with Matt and got a snazzy hat there. My birthday was in October. I went home for the first time from college with Shawna, her brother, and Rae for a weekend.

Thanksgiving break was the highlight of November. I also went to see Oliver! at the Keith Albee. I was home for an entire week!! Went to see Role Models as my birthday present from Tyler, and Chris from English gave me his old iPod. Exams were in December, and I got A’s and B’s on all of them, with A’s in all my classes for the semester. Somiyah moved out! Came home via the Greyhound system with Tyler on the 17th, and surprised Mom by coming home a day early. Ryan was over for all Christmas break almost. =( I got my Red Lobster gift card and Bears ball cap for Christmas, as well as a few other things. Bought a lot of new clothes at Macy’s, too. Had a migraine for most of the end of 2008.

And now it’s 2009. So we’ll see how this goes.

So I have a couple of projects that have been on the backburner since, well, since I started college. These are, in no particular order:

1. “The Cerulean Empress,”
2. “Moraya Koshka,”
3. Jake Morrigan’s story;

rewrites of

1. “What to do with a Gun,”
2. “The Journal of Brian Ezhno,”
3. “The Witches’ Railroad,”

and in 2010 I have to finish or scrap “Beneath the Black Rainbow.” I really need to get to work, unfortunately I left most of my writing materials back in my dorm room., and when I’m back there, well, you know… there’s school work.

With The Cerulean Empress, I’m stuck on this whole wedding thing. Well, the affair too; I’ve never been to a wedding, never had sex, never even experienced the desire to do either of those things. It’ll be hard to translate something I’ve only experienced secondhand, basically from one medium to another.

With Moraya Koshka, I’m just… all out of ideas. It’s really hard to come by historical information from the 1820’s specifically, specifically about sailing conditions. I’ve taken a good many liberties with the history already, I want it to be as accurate as I can possibly make my story. When I get back to campus I’ll probably check the library for some books on that time period. They have to have something, maybe even about Russia.

For Jake Morrigan, I’m stuck on the Madlaina angle; I’m not sure she even fits in the plot anymore, except that I don’t feel like I can leave part six out of the story altogether. I’m still not sure what to do about the title, either. It’s so lame. I might call it Sarabi, but that’s still pretty uncreative.

As far as rewriting, that’s just a hassle.

My friend Shawna was supposed to drive her friend Rae, myself, and my friend Tyler back home on Tuesday for Christmas break (December 17, 2008). The weather was bad, so we were going to wait until Wednesday morning; but around 10:00 Tuesday night, she texted me to call her ASAP. When I did, she told me that there was an emergency in her family, and that there would be no room for any of us in her car. After she and I got off the phone I called my mom, and she could really only come up with a plan to come get us on Thursday. Yesterday she wouldn’t have had anybody else to share the drive with (I don’t drive on the highway; only done it once), and she and my sister were going to drive out to get us today. But…

Yesterday morning at 9:00 am I was awoken by my cell phone. It was my friend Tyler calling, telling me his mom had found a bus scheduled to leave from Huntington for Hagerstown at 10:30 am. So I frantically got my shit together, which meant re-ordering three bags and only packing three pairs of clothing, and ran out the door. We went to Burger King to get some sad excuse for breakfast, then walked the so many blocks to the Greyhound station. We got our tickets at 10:00, got on the bus and left at 10:30 on the way to Columbus, Ohio.

We got to Columbus at 2:15 or so, and our bus from Columbus to Pittsburgh, PA left at 2:30. Unfortunately, the first bus filled up, so we waited until 3:00 for a second one. We had time for snacks and a potty break, but that was about it. In the line in front of us (there were about seven people waiting for the second PA bus) was this Hispanic guy talking to a black guy about how he had been on the buses since Saturday morning; he was coming up to Ohio from near the Mexican border in Texas, and he’d had a bus freeze and not start, one of his bags was lost, and he was about ten hours behind schedule. I made it a point to tell Tyler it could be THAT much worse, since he was so pessimistic about the whole trip. It was then, also, that I realized to my chagrin that I was finally part of the holiday travel rush. But it was kind of an “included” feeling, too. Kind of a guilty pleasure of being mainstream, I guess. : P

The ride from Columbus to Pitt was supposed to go until about 6:15 or something. We stopped at a Shenandoah Plaza in Cambridge, Ohio to let people off and for food and the bathroom, and I got a mini pineapple pie. It was surprisingly good! The two guys I had been listening to at the bus station had a manly hug before they parted ways, since this was the Hispanic guy’s stop. It was pretty endearing really; those unexpected, on-the-road friendships are really the most amazing thing a person can experience, I think.

It felt like we were in Ohio FOREVER. We were half an hour behind schedule, but we still made it to Pittsburgh in time for our last bus from Pittsburgh to Hagerstown. The Pittsburgh stop was supposed to be about 55 minutes. I got some hot chocolate and Tyler got a sandwich or something, and some pop and iced tea. The station was really nice. Then our bus was supposed to be half an hour to an hour late because of traffic. So we got on the bus around 8:00 and were in Hagerstown around 11:30.

Tyler’s mom came and picked us up from the podunk Greyhound station in Hagerstown, MD, behind a McDonald’s that was closed except for the drive-thru. When they got there it was almost midnight, and as soon as we got in his mom’s van trouble started between Tyler and his mom and stepdad. His stepdad actually pulled the car onto the side of the road and told Tyler if he kept being rude they would kick him out of the car. I, not wanting to get kicked out of the car & ruin my surprise for my mom, said nothing, although Tyler did have reason to be hostile and his mom had missed a lot of the plans he and I had discussed the day before. (My mom was going to take him home; she would have had to do nothing, as she claimed she would have had to take the day off etc. etc. if we hadn’t taken the bus.. oi! but whatever, not my mom.)

I got home around midnight, and called Mom from the doorstep. I said, “Hey mom, guess what!” And after Mom asked what, I said, “Come open the door and let me in.”

“No way! Really??”

“Mom, please. It’s cold out.”

So mom came and opened the door, and the van pulled out of the driveway. She gave me a nice long hug and I kind of hope Tyler and/or at least his mom saw that and would emulate, for the love of god. Anyway, so when I got inside, we were all ecstatic. In retrospect, I would have loved some more time to plan my packing… but I don’t regret going. It was definitely an adventure, one that if I repeat… well, for one, I’m doing it solo!

As I’m wrapping up Maps to Imaginary Places, yes, I am already contemplating the title of my next poetry collection. It’ll be more than a year off, since I’m not prolific enough to write 32+ pages of poetry in a year (I don’t think I’ve even done that in two years; it would probably take three), but I’m already feeling anticipatory excitement. I also think it would be cool to publish a collection of essays and whatnot that I’ve written for school, and if I ever write any just for the sake of having written one (now that I’ve found I love writing essays!). But my next poetry collection will probably be called Quaint & Cool, and I probably won’t be able to write a poem for that title, ha ha.

Creative endeavors aside, my first semester of college is coming to a close in the next week. I have my first exam tomorrow, and my last on Tuesday. Tomorrow is the journalism exam, which shouldn’t be too big of a problem; I could probably get a 0 on it (not going to happen) and still have an A. Monday is my communications exam, which I’ll actually have to do decently on I think; and Tuesday I have biology, which is going to be the hardest or at least most stressful exam. After that I get to sell my textbooks back, if I don’t start tomorrow with my English text, and I can… well, start buying next semester’s. Joy. Next semester will be a blast; I’m taking 18 credit hours: marketing [231], psych [201], Spanish [112] (which is 101+102), info gathering & research [JMC102], accounting [215], and theater [112] appreciation. I’m kind of looking forward to Spanish and psychology, the rest not so much. I’m going  to probably spend $400-$500 on books next semester too. Siighh.

During the couple weeks between semesters, I’m hopefully going to get into gear with my writing projects. The sooner I finish The Cerulean Empress the sooner I can revise and actually finish it; and the sooner I finish it, the sooner I can Lulu it. I’ll be wrapping up the loose ends from Maps, buying the preview copy, and then notifying everyone who said they were interested in buying a copy that it’s up for sale when it is. After that I’ll have to start my letter-writing campaign to local (both Martinsburg and Huntington) bookstores and libraries asking them to carry my book. Now that I think about publishers buying shelf space at bookstores, my campaign probably will not go well; but Maps will be put on Amazon.com by Lulu anyway, I think, so it’s not too bad. And still, I do have the libraries! Anyway, once I have the book out there, I could possibly pitch it to an agent[s] and actually get a publishing house to carry my poetry book. I do, after all, have publication credentials anyway.

I’m really excited by the prospects of everything. The only thing I’m not excited about is having to work at the radio station on campus next semester, when I want to work in television.

xoxo,

la reina de los cactus

Here are some of my thoughts on happiness, self-fulfillment, etc., as related to a friend who was feeling down:

If you don’t do things for yourself there’s never a guarantee that they’re worth anything. I mean, yes, when you draw or write or whatever, you have an audience in mind.. but if you don’t do it for yourself, and you consider that there may never BE an audience, then all that effort is wasted. But as long as you do it for YOU, there’s no such thing as a wasted effort. The appreciation of others is a bonus. The only person guaranteed to be in your life forever is you. So you should do things that make YOU happy. Not to say that you should ignore other people’s wants and such, but if you never do anything for your own sake you’re more likely to feel empty when you’re alone. But if you think about it, making yourself happy does affect the people around you. Even if it isn’t “productive” or obvious, the mood one person is in effects the moods of the people around them, especially the ones who’re closest to them. And personally I believe if you can’t make yourself happy, you can’t genuinely make other people happy, either. ‘Cause it’s not genuine. Like a teary clown, it just doesn’t work. The clown is just twisted and creepy. That’s a different subject. Anyway.. I mean, I guess you can substitute “doing things for yourself” and make it “doing things for God,” since I suppose if you believe in God you believe he’s always with you, too. But other people come and go, so you can’t rely on them to keep you feeling satisfied [with yourself].

That’s my loner’s view on it, at any rate.

The most ironic thing about me is how empathetic I am, and at the same time how inept I am at understanding the feelings of other people. Although the feelings I empathize are simple ones, and those I don’t get are the more complex human emotions, it still doesn’t seem to make sense at the basest level.. and furthermore it’s just frustrating to not be able to feel like just about everyone else.

I understand sadness, and depression; happiness, or excitement. These are the simpler emotions, that you don’t need to necessarily know the root of the feeling to be able to empathize with the emotion itself. Happy is happy whether it’s from getting an A on a paper or from getting a letter in the mail unless you analyze it beyond happiness. Sometimes I do that, but for the point I’m trying to make I won’t. It’s an annoying habit, anyway.

Things like love and jealousy are rather beyond me, though. I mean, I can understand being emotionally connected to someone, or being physically attracted to them, and even both these things at the same time. But the notion of being bound to them in a relationship seems like a waste to me. Ruining something great with a relationship just strikes me as counterproductive.

I can’t get why some people feel like they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to “complete” themselves.. and I personally believe that if you don’t feel “complete” by yourself, you’re emotionally unhealthy and shouldn’t be in a relationship until you can learn to be your own person. Relationships should be complementary, not supplementary, if anything.

And I’ll never, ever understand the desire for physical intimacy. Do we really need to be in each other’s personal spaces so often? Some of the things that pass for intimate just sound disgusting, and I don’t see how more people don’t see it that way. I mean, yes, sex for reproductive purposes is necessary for the existence of the species, but beyond that…. I know that my nonexistent libido is the reason behind my views on this issue, and maybe explains the aforementioned bogglement by the whole relationship thing, but I can’t imagine that, when explained factually, many intimate things don’t just sound detestable.