So far this summer I have read The Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three; The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands; The Secret Life of Laszlo, Count Dracula; and have started on Kidnapped, The Illustrated Man, and The Dark Tower IV: Wizard & Glass.

I’m re-reading the Dark Tower series. The rest of those books I’m reading for the first time. The other day I went out and bought a used copy of The Talisman, and I may reread it and Black House (its sequel) if I don’t take forever getting through Wizard & Glass to get into the rest of the Dark Tower series (Wolves of the Calla, Song of Susannah, The Dark Tower).

Summer reading is great. I haven’t been doing a lot of writing, but I will get to it. I did finally finish Fall of Heaven III: The Death of Faith, so I’m not totally failing.

the elephant in the way

I have trouble expressing my emotions (see post: Cognitive Dissonance). It’s incredibly frustrating, because I do often have feelings, sometimes even very strong feelings, but I just can’t show them to other people. I have a hard time articulating what’s going on inside me, and so most of the time I just don’t even try. It’s not necessarily because I don’t want to communicate (although that’s beginning to become a part of the isue nowadays), but there’s just no way for me to get my feelings across. It’s like being on an island just close enough that you can see the one across the water, but the bridge has been burned down and you can’t get there from your island. That’s what I feel like. Sometimes it’s like there’s me, inside my body, the person I really am, and then there’s the me that experiences the world. I see the me inside when I look at my reflection in a window, and sometimes I see her on blank notebook pages. But there’s this physical body that’s symbolic of a barrier that separates the real me from the world I want to experience. It’s like I’m trapped on one side of the glass, and the rest of the world is on the other side. I can see it, I can almost taste it, but I can’t experience it. That’s the feeling I get when I watch the world pass by through my reflection in a car window, or when I watch birds and squirrels fly and skitter around the yard through one of the windows in the house.

I generally would like to be able to communicate when I am feeling upset, or when I do actually feel attached to someone. But I really just can’t. Partially because I don’t believe they’ll care, and partially just for lack of capability. And now I don’t even feel like I can be emotionally attached to anyone besides my family. After all the things that have happened in the past 3 years, I just hardly see it as possible. I’ve always shied away from closeness and personal disclosure and physical intimacies, and now I’m to the point where I just don’t see the point in any of it. I’m planning the rest of my life around the person that’s guaranteed to be in it: me. I can’t hang my hat on dreams for the future that depend on the existence of some significant other. It’s just impractical, and sometimes I turn my practicality into a fault.

In all honesty, I”m not sure what I really want out of myself or out of my life. I don’t know whether I feel like my self-diagnosed schizoid personality is a problem or if I even care enough to do anything about it either way. I may always be frustrated with my inability to communicate and articulate emotions, and I am sort of leaning toward feeling like I may never be capable of having a normal relationship with another human being. I see every fault in me, and some that probably aren’t even really there, and I accept them. There are a lot of things about me that I can’t change, and I feel like this may be one of them. Maybe my depression and my subsequent relationships have caused my personality to take a nosedive and crash into personality disorder. I guess I could live with that, as long as I have some explanation as to why I am the way I am. I personally like to have a name for the elephants in my way.

(PS, I’m kind of enjoying writing emotionally about lacking emotion and how I can’t express it. It’s kind of ironic. Well, a little more than “kind of”.)

life as a tea kettle

I drink a lot of tea. Mostly just Tetley regular tea, but sometimes different flavors too. I walk around impatiently waiting for the kettle to whistle, usually having something else to do in the meantime but not always. And sometimes I know how the kettle feels. It often sits there unattended, brimming with potential tea, until it’s put on the stove and the water set to boil. How sometimes I feel like I go unnoticed until my emotions start to fester and then become unbearable. That every once in a while it all builds up and I have to scream–at least metaphorically–to let it all out. Not necessarily even just anger; pretty much any emotion can come to a boil if left on a hot burner long enough. And there’s the expectation to show these pent up feelings, like I owe it to anyone to express the things that go on inside me. It’s mostly frustrating, and a little intimidating too. Especially when I’m not to boiling yet.

This is a small essay explaining the poem I wrote–”Asterisks, not Stars.” The poem and the essay can be purchased for 30ȼ here.

The idea behind “Asterisks, not Stars” came to me after a friend of mine died in January, 2008. He was not an obviously successful man—he worked at the mall and was a “mall rat” who deejayed for parties. But what a person could never know just from these small glories is that Derek “Digi” Allan Pence touched so many lives in small-town Martinsburg, WV. I think for the short time he lived in Martinsburg, Digi was the most-loved man around. Even if you had only met him once, you felt like he was a best friend. He was always so humorous and full of life, he could make your day if you only saw him for a few fleeting moments at the mall. He may not have been incredibly stimulating to the economy, and he may not have drastically changed anything deliberately, but Derek did change a little bit of all of us, before and after he passed away. And that, to me, is immeasurable success.

What I was trying to articulate in the poem is the idea that although people may not necessarily be impressive on the outside, in regard to the way they look or the way they interact socially (or in the way they don’t), they can still do and be remembered for doing great things—whether they be big, historical things, or small, personal things. Someone who may be the most obvious, outwardly favorable person (a star) isn’t necessarily going to do what one would consider great things, and may only be remembered as superficially as they were experienced (the “hollow beauty” idea expressed in the poem). A person can be socially adept, physically beautiful, and have a wonderful personality, but if they never use these things to the benefit of the people around them, can they really be worth remembering so fondly?

I also tried to communicate how those who do special things go on to be remembered for what they did for another person, no matter how big or small a favor. An asterisk denotes that there is a footnote about whatever word or term comes before it in a paper or a book; it has a purpose, and whatever comes after that asterisk in the footnote is something so important it couldn’t (or at least shouldn’t) be left out of the piece. It’s better to be a footnote in the book of someone’s life than to be something (or someone) simply mentioned in passing, that they don’t think twice about. I also wanted to point out how more striking it is to be a good person, even if you let it go unnoticed, because of how seldom true altruism takes place. Anyone can shine given the right lighting (or lack thereof), but not everyone has that inner glow that makes them stand out—if not only slightly—in the end.

I guess, to me, it’s comforting to feel that people don’t have to think or know that you’re doing good by them, but to know that someday they’ll look back on what you may have done for them and be thankful that they had you in their life. I hope someday I will be one of those who people remember that way.

I am tired of keeping my feelings pent up and secret. But I don’t have the vocabulary to talk about how I feel when I’m feeling it, and when I’m not, I can’t admit that I ever do. I hate the thought of seeming weak or vulnerable. I’m very guarded. As far as other people know, I never have serious emotions about anything. Besides when Digi died, no one outside of my family has ever seen me cry (not counting when I was little). I want to talk about how I’m feeling, so I feel like someone cares, but at the same time I feel like nobody cares enough for me to talk to them about any of it–actual fears, things that really make me happy, when I’m truly feeling sad. Even here as I’m writing about my confusion, I’m having a hard time finding the words, and am debating with myself whether I really want to publish this and let others see it or not. I just feel like now, with how I’ve interacted with the people in my life so far, if I came to them with my emotions, they wouldn’t know what to do or what to say, or worse, they just really wouldn’t care at all. And it’s a hard habit to break, this stoicism, or whatever the word for it is. I want to open up but I don’t, and I’m not sure whether it’s because I can’t or just won’t. I don’t even know how one brings up stuff like that, especially how to start when it’s something that never happens, and that nobody expects.

I confess to walking around campus tonight, crying to my mp3 players. Thinking about Digi and Ry and Jeremy and goneness. How abruptly I’ve lost (or dropped) people in the recent past, and how sad and lonely the suddenness is. It’s really what causes that hollow chest feeling–the sudden, utter goneness. I really wanted someone to talk to, but I don’t know how to communicate that to someone without feeling vulnerable and needy and pathetic. And again, who would want to listen? I don’t know if, at the time, I could have articulated why exactly I was feeling down, except in the tweets I texted to my Twitter while I was out there (”After all this time i still cant come to terms with complete, utter goneness” and “No one dies alone; a little piece of everyone who loved someone dies with them when they go“), and I can’t see me verbalizing those without feeling foolish. And I guess I’ve typed up everything I can say about tonight without it becoming a rant.

I don’t get stressed often. Really, I don’t. I’m not sure what it is, because I know I tend to overload myself with work (18 credit hours, hurray!), but only maybe once every couple of months do I feel stressed from my everyday life. And I’m feeling it today, and was yesterday. My computer’s keyboard is bust, which means I can’t do my classwork or my station work or my work-for-fun in the comfort of my dorm room anymore! And I have to wait until at least next weekend, when my parents are coming down to look at a house we want to buy for my brother, two of our friends, and myself here by school next year; dad will probably have to take the computer home with him. I’m thinking about getting a netbook to supplement the fact that I can’t type on my laptop. My monstrosity of a Lenovo is still a great entertainment system for a computer (awesome sound, big screen), just isn’t very travelable, so I’m thinking we can keep it around for watching Netflix online and playing music over the Web. Then my little netbook can be my word processor and web surfer, and it can travel with me between home in Huntington and home in M-burg. The netbook I want is either the Asus Eee PC 900HA, or the 904HA; it’s got the smallest [affordable] screen at 8.9 inches, the best sound rating in a Netbook Round-up, and either a 6-cell or 4-cell battery depending on which one I can get (6-cells are the largest batteries put in netbooks so far; they have the longest performance time before the computer shuts down, at 5 hours on very minimal settings). Also, the two that I’m looking at either way cost less than $400. Mom was thinking about just buying me a desktop computer if Lenny isn’t fixable, but I really would rather not be chained to a desk.

So I’m stressed about the computer not functioning, and about talking to my mom about the netbook idea; not to mention the research paper I have due in two weeks that I’ve barely started on because I don’t care about the content and the research is impossible. I also have one more Spanish paper to write, as well as two more papers for theatre appreciation.. and registration is coming up next Friday! Which means I probably won’t get into ECN200 because I’m in the very last group to register behind incoming freshmen. Aghh… I’m stressing myself out just thinking about it. Methinks I’m going to go find something less stressful to do, now that I’ve gotten myself all wound up again. Hahaha. Ciao!

Right now I’m enjoying my spring break; after this week, I’ll have approximately one more month of my freshman year of college. Our final exams are the first week of May; then after that, May will be a whirlwind with my brother’s graduation and vacations–and then summer will be here. Over the summer I’ll have plenty of time to do the one thing I really have to do: work on my writing projects.

I have to read over “What to Do With a Gun” and “The Journal of Brian Ezhno” so that someday I can revise them; I still have most of “Jake Morrigan” to revise; “Fall of Heaven” might continue; I have to write at least to the end of Waxing in “The Cerulean Empress”; not to mention I have to map out “Moraya Koshka” and “Falling Awake.” The easiest project will probably be Jake Morrigan, since revising by section isn’t too hard–except for the section(s) I have to split up, like the one section where in the original version I covered the entire war in which Jake actually participated. I’m not sure how much longer it’ll be made, so it’s kind of been dogging on me. The toughest thing to work on is “Moraya Koshka”–you would not believe how difficult the research is, to find out about trade conditions particularly for Russians during the 1800’s. I couldn’t even find anything pertinent at the library at school! I have bits and pieces of other things I want to de-awkward and such, too. I need to get some input on “The Little Bird” and either scrap or amend “And then he was dead” (and give it a frigging title). “La chute de la maison des Moreaux” could use some fine-tuning also.

I actually left my writing stuff back in my dorm on purpose, because I didn’t want to get wrapped up in it over spring break. Pretty dumb, because now I’ve run out of things to do and I would love to be working on my stories right now. Unfortunately I’m at a stage in some of my things that I need the maps and printed plans and old copies to work on the stories in the first place, so without my expanding binder and my folders and Jake Morrigan binder, I am at a loss. Also I have trouble reading long things on my computer screen, and where 9 pages is long, I can’t exactly get through any of the reading I need to do of my stories, either, and I don’t want to waste ink on stuff I already have somewhere.

But, since I have to do something, I’m off to… do something. Arrivaderci!

My spring break started on Friday. Mom came Thursday and stayed the night, then Friday she drove Tyler and me home. On Saturday I went with Dad to Walmart, but besides that I stayed home and hung out with my siblings. Saturday night Kaitlyn, Ben, and Britt’s friend Luke came over and they played Cranium with Britt, Nick, and me. It was awesomely fun. I played on Kait and Ben’s team the first time, and we won; the second game, Nicci, Brittney, and I were on a team, and we won. So I won twice, and everyone else but Luke won once. Luke wasn’t on a winning team either time, very sad. But he seemed to have fun besides. lol.

Sunday morning Mom sprung a road trip on me. We packed up and headed south. Sunday we reached North Carolina, after driving through part of the Blue Ridge Parkway (would have been prettier later in the year!). The first overnight we spent at Whiteville, NC.

On Monday we did a lot of shit. First we were on our way to Cape Fear when we were sidetracked by a self-guided tour through the U.S.S. North Carolina. It was the most awesome thing, really. We got to go almost all around the ship, including into the turret and the bridge and below deck. I got some great pictures (too bad I forgot my battery charger..).

After the USSNC, Mom and I reached the Cape Fear River at Southport. We took some pictures there (lots of sea gulls), and then went to the first beach. It was Caswell Beach off Oak Island, where we also got pictures of a rather ugly lighthouse. The beach also has a giant oil line running across it, so it wasn’t amazing. You win some, you lose some, right? So after Caswell Beach we hopped into the car again and drove down to South Carolina. We spent the rest of the day in Myrtle Beach, actually at the beach, then at this little plaza where we ate at Joe’s Crab Shack and found Ripley’s Aquarium (we got to pet rays again, huzzah!). You had to cross a bridge to get to the aquarium and some other stuff, and the water under that bridge had the hugest catfish I’d ever seen–and they begged like dogs! It was pretty crazy.

We spent Monday night at Murrells Inlet. Holiday Inn Express mattresses are heavenly, by the way. I recommend HIE just for their mattresses, although their breakfast isn’t too bad, either. Tuesday we were headed back home. We stopped at Surfside Beach in South Carolina; we tried to get to the North Carolina zoo, but we got there at 4:13 and it closed at 4:00. Needless to say I was very disappointed. We skipped the American Tank Museum in Danville, VA, since it was way too late by the time we even hit Virginia, but Mom said sometime after Nicci’s graduation hopefully we’ll take a trip down that way and do those things, too, especially the zoo.

Mom and I got home at midnight Tuesday night. We stayed up until about 12:30 drinking tea and looking through pictures. I read the next introduction in my Gnostic Bible then went to bed, too. And now it’s Wednesday morning and I have no idea what’s going to happen the rest of my week. I will most likely go visit Ben and Kait at Shep, maybe invite Anthony over to watch Midnight Meat Train with me and get that screw I need for my computer, maybe go over to Jeff’s, and maybe do something with Tyler if I’m desperate. (Kidding!) I still have lots of cooking to make up for since last time I was home, too!

So Spring Break is the week after next. These 18 credit hours I’ve been wrestling with are starting to wind down finally, after midterms and just before the final grade homework hump. Next Tuesday I have an exam in two classes of the three classes I have; and I only got out of that third exam because our professor gets giddy talking about some things, and the ethics discussion is going to extend beyond this morning. There will probably be a quiz in Spanish next week, although I couldn’t say when. I know in marketing we’ll be taking our exam after break, and we’re not even close to our next exam in psychology.

And I’m still contemplating my minor. I’ve worked out my potential schedules for the rest of college, and the big hole in my plans is really my minor. I don’t know whether I really want to do meteorology; I’m kind of leaning toward creative writing, if it’s possible to minor in it. Beyond those two, if I like economics, maybe, but I doubt I’ll be good enough at it, and beyond that I don’t have a clue. I don’t really want to minor in Spanish, and the other foreign language minors are boring (French, German and Japanese). I wish we had law classes at Marshall, but all that’s here is Criminal Justice, and talk about boring! I would love a class on Constitutional law–hey, I found one. It still depends on my minor (how many credit hours it requires) when I can take that class in my schedule. though. Maybe I’ll take PSY330, too. It’s “Human Sexual Behavior.” I would find that interesting. I probably won’t actually take it though, methinks it’s too much.

Anyway… it’s finally almost the weekend, and tonight is my time to unwind, because tomorrow night I have to start reading for my accounting exam and looking over stuff for my journalism exam. Yikes!

So I have the rest of my college career planned out as far as credits and classes go. I’m definitely going to take the social dance class (two semesters), because I love love LOVE ballroom dancing and I’ve always wanted to learn. I’m also thinking about taking a violin class–the only problem is that I obviously don’t own a violin!

I think if I can I’m going to major in creative writing. I wanted to do meteorology before, but of course, I’m not really feeling it anymore. Sigh. I e-mailed my English professor from last semester and asked him if he knows, or who might. I really hope there is one, otherwise I’ll be back to my previous frustration.

The color red has the tendency to irritate me. And I know that you tend to see things differently depending on your mood; like maybe if I was happy, I would be counting blue cars instead. (Although, it is hard to miss all those red ones sticking out down there..)

The first weekend back at school is always the hardest. It hits me that I’m alone, whereas back home I had four people around almost constantly to keep me company when I wanted to have it. Here, all I get is mealtimes with Tyler, and Sunday afternoons. During the week I was fine, because I was so busy keeping track of my classes and getting back into the habit of having (and doing) my homework. But when I got back from dinner with a girl from my floor last night (Tyler ate while I was asleep… jerk), I pretty much had a breakdown. And it’s never about being lonely; it’s always about my body, and all the things I can’t change, the only things that ever make suicide seem okay.

Now, I’m not trying to get incredibly depressive, so I’ll spare the details. But to put it shortly, I’m depressed. (What a jump, right?) I’m going to drive myself crazy thinking about all these things I hate in people, and that ultimately I hate in myself. So it’s not really that I’m lonely, just that when I’m alone too long I get to thinking about all the things that make me miserable.

So much for that End-All of Misery Blogs, huh?..

So.. 2008 is over, and one day of 2009 has already come and gone. This is where I recap 2008, possibly with the help of my handy calendar. This is a habit I started once I got it from my sister last Christmas; it’s a lefty planner, with space to write around the date. So every day’s events (if remembered) are written down in that planner, for the entire year.

Last January was the worst. My friends and I struggled with Digi’s death, going to the mall and going to his viewing and “after-party.” In February was the fundraiser at the mall for Digi’s car, the DDR and Guitar Hero tournament. I got pulled over for the first (and, so far, only) time in February, too. I started going to the young writer’s group at the library and hanging out more with Gnorski. Got my hopes up, I did. Ha. My security guard quit in February, too!

In March was Kaitlyn’s birthday (on the 4th), followed by Digi’s; we had a snow day that day, the 5th, because a breaker went out near Digi’s house. Danielle’’s birthday was the 8th (busy week for birthdays; well, March is a busy month really). We got the Prius in March, and Candace came to live with us for spring break. Mom, Nicci, and I went to the zoo during spring break, too. In April I started taking birth control; Mom got me stoned for the first time, haha. I had my first dentist appointment in over a decade, too, and we had the car show for Rumsey.

May was the Streetlight Manifesto/Zox concert in Allentown, PA. The next night I went to prom with Jeff Kershner. I officially got the Promise scholarship. I went to the JRTI end-of-the-year picnic, just before the last day of high school. The LAST DAY of high school I found out about my identity theft. Spent an entire week dealing with that bullshit. Graduation was on the 23rd, and I had a migraine that felt like an anneurism. In June there was a miniature zoo outside the mall where I got a picture with a tiger. I cut all ties with Jeremy. Mom and I went to New York City for four days in June, too.

In July my family and I started to go to the high school and play tennis. I went to Pockets’s 19th birthday party, which was probably the most fun I had all year. Mom and I went to my freshman orientation at Marshall. All but Brittney went to a pool hall once in July, too. Pretty sure I went to see Batman the weekend it opened, with Nicci. I quit the library in July, too. I got my camera in August! The fair was in August, too. I adventured with Anthony to Chantilly to check out some computer school, too. That was totally an adventure, haha. The Summer Olympics were this year, too, in Beijing, and the opening ceremony was the most amazing thing. Mom, Candace, Nicci, and I went to Shepherdstown just to hang out, and the whole family and Candace went to Harpers Ferry and FINALLY took that ghost tour. Started classes in August at Marshall.

In September I went to see Jim Gaffighan, a comedian, with Tyler, at the Keith Albee. Lots of power outages, which led to lots of flights of stairs and some cancelled classes. Started the tradition of going to Tyler’s every Sunday between brunch and dinner. I went to the Greek festival with Matt and got a snazzy hat there. My birthday was in October. I went home for the first time from college with Shawna, her brother, and Rae for a weekend.

Thanksgiving break was the highlight of November. I also went to see Oliver! at the Keith Albee. I was home for an entire week!! Went to see Role Models as my birthday present from Tyler, and Chris from English gave me his old iPod. Exams were in December, and I got A’s and B’s on all of them, with A’s in all my classes for the semester. Somiyah moved out! Came home via the Greyhound system with Tyler on the 17th, and surprised Mom by coming home a day early. Ryan was over for all Christmas break almost. =( I got my Red Lobster gift card and Bears ball cap for Christmas, as well as a few other things. Bought a lot of new clothes at Macy’s, too. Had a migraine for most of the end of 2008.

And now it’s 2009. So we’ll see how this goes.

So I have a couple of projects that have been on the backburner since, well, since I started college. These are, in no particular order:

1. “The Cerulean Empress,”
2. “Moraya Koshka,”
3. Jake Morrigan’s story;

rewrites of

1. “What to do with a Gun,”
2. “The Journal of Brian Ezhno,”
3. “The Witches’ Railroad,”

and in 2010 I have to finish or scrap “Beneath the Black Rainbow.” I really need to get to work, unfortunately I left most of my writing materials back in my dorm room., and when I’m back there, well, you know… there’s school work.

With The Cerulean Empress, I’m stuck on this whole wedding thing. Well, the affair too; I’ve never been to a wedding, never had sex, never even experienced the desire to do either of those things. It’ll be hard to translate something I’ve only experienced secondhand, basically from one medium to another.

With Moraya Koshka, I’m just… all out of ideas. It’s really hard to come by historical information from the 1820’s specifically, specifically about sailing conditions. I’ve taken a good many liberties with the history already, I want it to be as accurate as I can possibly make my story. When I get back to campus I’ll probably check the library for some books on that time period. They have to have something, maybe even about Russia.

For Jake Morrigan, I’m stuck on the Madlaina angle; I’m not sure she even fits in the plot anymore, except that I don’t feel like I can leave part six out of the story altogether. I’m still not sure what to do about the title, either. It’s so lame. I might call it Sarabi, but that’s still pretty uncreative.

As far as rewriting, that’s just a hassle.

My friend Shawna was supposed to drive her friend Rae, myself, and my friend Tyler back home on Tuesday for Christmas break (December 17, 2008). The weather was bad, so we were going to wait until Wednesday morning; but around 10:00 Tuesday night, she texted me to call her ASAP. When I did, she told me that there was an emergency in her family, and that there would be no room for any of us in her car. After she and I got off the phone I called my mom, and she could really only come up with a plan to come get us on Thursday. Yesterday she wouldn’t have had anybody else to share the drive with (I don’t drive on the highway; only done it once), and she and my sister were going to drive out to get us today. But…

Yesterday morning at 9:00 am I was awoken by my cell phone. It was my friend Tyler calling, telling me his mom had found a bus scheduled to leave from Huntington for Hagerstown at 10:30 am. So I frantically got my shit together, which meant re-ordering three bags and only packing three pairs of clothing, and ran out the door. We went to Burger King to get some sad excuse for breakfast, then walked the so many blocks to the Greyhound station. We got our tickets at 10:00, got on the bus and left at 10:30 on the way to Columbus, Ohio.

We got to Columbus at 2:15 or so, and our bus from Columbus to Pittsburgh, PA left at 2:30. Unfortunately, the first bus filled up, so we waited until 3:00 for a second one. We had time for snacks and a potty break, but that was about it. In the line in front of us (there were about seven people waiting for the second PA bus) was this Hispanic guy talking to a black guy about how he had been on the buses since Saturday morning; he was coming up to Ohio from near the Mexican border in Texas, and he’d had a bus freeze and not start, one of his bags was lost, and he was about ten hours behind schedule. I made it a point to tell Tyler it could be THAT much worse, since he was so pessimistic about the whole trip. It was then, also, that I realized to my chagrin that I was finally part of the holiday travel rush. But it was kind of an “included” feeling, too. Kind of a guilty pleasure of being mainstream, I guess. : P

The ride from Columbus to Pitt was supposed to go until about 6:15 or something. We stopped at a Shenandoah Plaza in Cambridge, Ohio to let people off and for food and the bathroom, and I got a mini pineapple pie. It was surprisingly good! The two guys I had been listening to at the bus station had a manly hug before they parted ways, since this was the Hispanic guy’s stop. It was pretty endearing really; those unexpected, on-the-road friendships are really the most amazing thing a person can experience, I think.

It felt like we were in Ohio FOREVER. We were half an hour behind schedule, but we still made it to Pittsburgh in time for our last bus from Pittsburgh to Hagerstown. The Pittsburgh stop was supposed to be about 55 minutes. I got some hot chocolate and Tyler got a sandwich or something, and some pop and iced tea. The station was really nice. Then our bus was supposed to be half an hour to an hour late because of traffic. So we got on the bus around 8:00 and were in Hagerstown around 11:30.

Tyler’s mom came and picked us up from the podunk Greyhound station in Hagerstown, MD, behind a McDonald’s that was closed except for the drive-thru. When they got there it was almost midnight, and as soon as we got in his mom’s van trouble started between Tyler and his mom and stepdad. His stepdad actually pulled the car onto the side of the road and told Tyler if he kept being rude they would kick him out of the car. I, not wanting to get kicked out of the car & ruin my surprise for my mom, said nothing, although Tyler did have reason to be hostile and his mom had missed a lot of the plans he and I had discussed the day before. (My mom was going to take him home; she would have had to do nothing, as she claimed she would have had to take the day off etc. etc. if we hadn’t taken the bus.. oi! but whatever, not my mom.)

I got home around midnight, and called Mom from the doorstep. I said, “Hey mom, guess what!” And after Mom asked what, I said, “Come open the door and let me in.”

“No way! Really??”

“Mom, please. It’s cold out.”

So mom came and opened the door, and the van pulled out of the driveway. She gave me a nice long hug and I kind of hope Tyler and/or at least his mom saw that and would emulate, for the love of god. Anyway, so when I got inside, we were all ecstatic. In retrospect, I would have loved some more time to plan my packing… but I don’t regret going. It was definitely an adventure, one that if I repeat… well, for one, I’m doing it solo!

As I’m wrapping up Maps to Imaginary Places, yes, I am already contemplating the title of my next poetry collection. It’ll be more than a year off, since I’m not prolific enough to write 32+ pages of poetry in a year (I don’t think I’ve even done that in two years; it would probably take three), but I’m already feeling anticipatory excitement. I also think it would be cool to publish a collection of essays and whatnot that I’ve written for school, and if I ever write any just for the sake of having written one (now that I’ve found I love writing essays!). But my next poetry collection will probably be called Quaint & Cool, and I probably won’t be able to write a poem for that title, ha ha.

Creative endeavors aside, my first semester of college is coming to a close in the next week. I have my first exam tomorrow, and my last on Tuesday. Tomorrow is the journalism exam, which shouldn’t be too big of a problem; I could probably get a 0 on it (not going to happen) and still have an A. Monday is my communications exam, which I’ll actually have to do decently on I think; and Tuesday I have biology, which is going to be the hardest or at least most stressful exam. After that I get to sell my textbooks back, if I don’t start tomorrow with my English text, and I can… well, start buying next semester’s. Joy. Next semester will be a blast; I’m taking 18 credit hours: marketing [231], psych [201], Spanish [112] (which is 101+102), info gathering & research [JMC102], accounting [215], and theater [112] appreciation. I’m kind of looking forward to Spanish and psychology, the rest not so much. I’m going  to probably spend $400-$500 on books next semester too. Siighh.

During the couple weeks between semesters, I’m hopefully going to get into gear with my writing projects. The sooner I finish The Cerulean Empress the sooner I can revise and actually finish it; and the sooner I finish it, the sooner I can Lulu it. I’ll be wrapping up the loose ends from Maps, buying the preview copy, and then notifying everyone who said they were interested in buying a copy that it’s up for sale when it is. After that I’ll have to start my letter-writing campaign to local (both Martinsburg and Huntington) bookstores and libraries asking them to carry my book. Now that I think about publishers buying shelf space at bookstores, my campaign probably will not go well; but Maps will be put on Amazon.com by Lulu anyway, I think, so it’s not too bad. And still, I do have the libraries! Anyway, once I have the book out there, I could possibly pitch it to an agent[s] and actually get a publishing house to carry my poetry book. I do, after all, have publication credentials anyway.

I’m really excited by the prospects of everything. The only thing I’m not excited about is having to work at the radio station on campus next semester, when I want to work in television.

xoxo,

la reina de los cactus

Here are some of my thoughts on happiness, self-fulfillment, etc., as related to a friend who was feeling down:

If you don’t do things for yourself there’s never a guarantee that they’re worth anything. I mean, yes, when you draw or write or whatever, you have an audience in mind.. but if you don’t do it for yourself, and you consider that there may never BE an audience, then all that effort is wasted. But as long as you do it for YOU, there’s no such thing as a wasted effort. The appreciation of others is a bonus. The only person guaranteed to be in your life forever is you. So you should do things that make YOU happy. Not to say that you should ignore other people’s wants and such, but if you never do anything for your own sake you’re more likely to feel empty when you’re alone. But if you think about it, making yourself happy does affect the people around you. Even if it isn’t “productive” or obvious, the mood one person is in effects the moods of the people around them, especially the ones who’re closest to them. And personally I believe if you can’t make yourself happy, you can’t genuinely make other people happy, either. ‘Cause it’s not genuine. Like a teary clown, it just doesn’t work. The clown is just twisted and creepy. That’s a different subject. Anyway.. I mean, I guess you can substitute “doing things for yourself” and make it “doing things for God,” since I suppose if you believe in God you believe he’s always with you, too. But other people come and go, so you can’t rely on them to keep you feeling satisfied [with yourself].

That’s my loner’s view on it, at any rate.

The most ironic thing about me is how empathetic I am, and at the same time how inept I am at understanding the feelings of other people. Although the feelings I empathize are simple ones, and those I don’t get are the more complex human emotions, it still doesn’t seem to make sense at the basest level.. and furthermore it’s just frustrating to not be able to feel like just about everyone else.

I understand sadness, and depression; happiness, or excitement. These are the simpler emotions, that you don’t need to necessarily know the root of the feeling to be able to empathize with the emotion itself. Happy is happy whether it’s from getting an A on a paper or from getting a letter in the mail unless you analyze it beyond happiness. Sometimes I do that, but for the point I’m trying to make I won’t. It’s an annoying habit, anyway.

Things like love and jealousy are rather beyond me, though. I mean, I can understand being emotionally connected to someone, or being physically attracted to them, and even both these things at the same time. But the notion of being bound to them in a relationship seems like a waste to me. Ruining something great with a relationship just strikes me as counterproductive.

I can’t get why some people feel like they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to “complete” themselves.. and I personally believe that if you don’t feel “complete” by yourself, you’re emotionally unhealthy and shouldn’t be in a relationship until you can learn to be your own person. Relationships should be complementary, not supplementary, if anything.

And I’ll never, ever understand the desire for physical intimacy. Do we really need to be in each other’s personal spaces so often? Some of the things that pass for intimate just sound disgusting, and I don’t see how more people don’t see it that way. I mean, yes, sex for reproductive purposes is necessary for the existence of the species, but beyond that…. I know that my nonexistent libido is the reason behind my views on this issue, and maybe explains the aforementioned bogglement by the whole relationship thing, but I can’t imagine that, when explained factually, many intimate things don’t just sound detestable.

Problem #1: Spends too much time on the internet.

I spend way too much time on the internet. That is to say, if I put numbers to the hours I spend on the internet on average, I would seem like more of a loser than I already am, or feel like I am. I spend too much time on RealChat and on Refuge (not even talking!), to say nothing of MSN. Now I don’t think getting on in the morning, after/during breakfast, and checking my e-mails and my accounts while I make my morning tea is a bad thing. But after that I’m thinking it’s a little much to stay on the computer. Morning birds are singing, for Chrissake! Turn off the MP3’s and enjoy them.

Solution: No more computer after breakfast or before dinner. And I have to start going to bed earlier, say around 11:30? Play Wii, Gamecube, Playstation (well, maybe not…), go out for tennis, clean up the basketball court in the back, clean the house (your room!) and fix problem #2..

Problem #2: Social life.

I don’t have one. I have spent all my time with problem #1, aside from when I was working. Now that I don’t have a job, and I have a laptop, I can foresee myself ruining my summer with Lenny instead of spending it with the Martinsburgians who don’t know I’m leaving yet, or the ones who do whom I have been artfully dodging because I am in love with my computer (haha, just kidding). This must be avoided.

Solution: Oh wow, look at this: no more computer. Less time on the computer means more time to be desperate enough to socialize. I can call people maybe, and go to the mall. And spend time with the family! And invite people during my computer time through myspace and facebook to do stuff. This week I can even go to the fair–or next week–or whichever week the fair is. Go see the music, get on some rides, and watch Kaitlyn finally ride the electronic bull she’s wanted to ride for at least four years now! Go on dates. Things like that. Yanno? Live it up before you move out!

I just wrote an advice column to myself. Congrats.

Yesterday evening around 6:00 my family and I went out to the high school to take over the tennis court, since my sister was home for the day and we could all go. There had been a storm on its way, and those dark clouds loomed ominously over the court even before we actually got to it. We played for maybe ten or fifteen minutes (Britt and me vs. Nick and Mom, with Dad playing fetch) before the rain came. By the time we gave up, the balls were soaked and hardly bounced, our racket handles were slick, and the court went from slippery patches to puddles. We played in the rain, even, until the first flash of lightning and rumble of thunder. We weren’t out there for a whole hour, but… I think we had about an hour’s worth of amusement. It’s one of those family moments I don’t think we’ve had in a long time, and that we may have very few of in the future.

Things are changing.

18-year-old dies in I-81 accident

Six months ago today I learned that my friend DiGi had passed away in a car accident. Derek Pence was eighteen years old, the same age as me, when the car he was in (he was a passenger) went out of control and flipped, throwing Dig’ through the back windshield..

Derek Allan Pence was pronounced dead Sunday night at City Hospital
By EDWARD MARSHALL / Journal Staff Writer
POSTED: January 15, 2008

MARTINSBURG — An 18-year-old Martinsburg man was killed late Sunday and three others were injured as a result of an accident on Interstate 81 in Berkeley County.

Derek Allan Pence, of State Circle, was pronounced dead by the Berkeley County medical examiner after being ejected during the accident.

According to police, Pence went into cardiac arrest while being taken to City Hospital in Martinsburg.

The driver, John Michael McFadden, and two female passengers were taken to Winchester Medical Center.

The accident happened at 11:08 p.m. in the southbound lanes of I-81 at the 19 mile marker, according to police, who arrived on the scene shortly after fire and emergency units. West Virginia State Police troopers P.S. Kennedy, J.J. Bowman and N.K. Campbell responded to the accident.

According to police, McFadden is believed to have been driving a 1992 Toyota Corolla south on the interstate when the vehicle left the road and struck a guardrail before going into a spin and flipping over three times.

Pence, who was sitting in the driver’s side rear seat, is believed to have been ejected from the rear of the vehicle following the first rollover. He slid for about 120 feet before coming to a stop on the interstate’s west-side shoulder.

The vehicle came to a rest facing north in the left-hand lane of I-81 South.

The accident was under investigation as of Monday afternoon.

Pence was a 2007 graduate of Martinsburg High School and was employed by Game Stop at the Martinsburg Mall, according to his obituary.

A memorial service will be at 4 p.m. Thursday at Brown Funeral Home in Martinsburg.

Memorial contributions can be made to the American Cancer Society, 122 South High Street, Morgantown, WV 26501, in lieu of flowers, in honor of Inge Lynch, Pence’s grandmother.

And his obituary:

Derek A. Pence

Derek A. Pence, 18, died Sunday, Jan., 13, 2008, at City Hospital, as the result of an automobile accident.

Born March 5, 1989, in Montgomery County, Md., Derek is survived by his father and step-mother, Eric and Shannon

Pence , and his mother, Doris Marion.

He was employed by Game Stop at the Martinsburg Mall.

Derek was a 2007 graduate of Martinsburg High School.

In addition to his parents, he is also survived by his brother, Kurt Pence, of Martinsburg; sister and brother-in-law, Amanda and James Tyeryar, of Frederick, Md., sisters, Tiffany Sanders and Amber Sanders, of Hagerstown, sister, Kellie Holman, of Gaithersburg, Md.; two paternal grandparents; two maternal grandparents; two step paternal grandparents; one niece, two nephews, a number of aunts, uncles, cousins and numerous friends.

A memorial service will be at 4 p.m., Thursday, Jan. 17, 2008, at the Brown Funeral Home, 327 West King St., Martinsburg.

In lieu of flowers, and in honor of Derek’s grandmother, Inge Lynch, a breast cancer survivor, memorial contributions may be made to the American Cancer Society, 122 S. High St., Morgantown, WV 26501.

I was told about this through a 4am text message from a friend, who was on the phone with Digi’s girlfriend Becki. I wrote this in my Myspace blog on the Friday after DiGi’s viewing and after-party:

11:32 AM – A Day so New the Past is Dreamlike.
Current mood: renewed

So yesterday was Digi’s wake and party. It started to snow in the morning and it was still snowing when we got there. There was no school, I didn’t go to work because of a migraine, and we left around 3:30. When we got there we were actually kind of late.. the line to get into the room was long already. As soon as Nicci and I got in there and in the funeral home my body just started trembling inwardly from all the emotion.

When we got up to the guestbook I signed and walked some of the way into the room… and then I went back to wait for Dominic. I held his hand as we walked in and went over to John, Krispy, and a few other folks. Eventually Nicci and I went to sit on the other side of the room with Chris and in a cluster of my friends (like Becki, Danielle, Ming, Munchie, Justin, Mike, Emma, Billy, Faye, Andrew, Terry, Brandon). There were so many people they had to open up another section of chairs; and there were still people who didn’t have chairs out in the hallway; and still some outside who couldn’t fit in that hallway.

The service began and I actually took a look at the table at front and center of the room. It was covered by a red tablecloth and on either side was a standing lamp with a red tinge, and a cross behind it. On the table there was the picture of Digi I took at graduation, standing in a frame to the left of Digi’s urn. The urn was a red colour, too.. On the right was a picture someone else had taken that had his name shopped onto it.

Seeing the photo that I had taken was what made me crack. I just started bawling and shaking uncontrolably. Dominic held me until it subsided some, when people actually started talking at the podium. I think his grandmother or step- grandmother was the one who was talking at first. Then Joker came up, and sang this song “Please Don’t Bury Me” .. that made me cry again some, too. Parts of it made us all laugh. Digi’s dad went up to speak, and he broke down before he could say a lot..

When they opened the microphone up to whoever had something to say, Terra, Scarecrow, WaffleZ, Munchie, Pudgy, Chandra, Mike, Morgan, and Brandon all went up to speak. We were all crying and sniffling and laughing at the same time to the stories we all had about Derek. Had everyone who wanted to share a story gone up, we would have been there all night. But we had to close at 5:00, and so we all filed outside and scrambled to get rides to the Comfort Inn for Digi’s party. When we got outside I saw Gnorski drop to his knees in the slush crying… I stood by him and rubbed his back to try to comfort him. It was such a sad thing to see..

The party was just the way he could have wanted it. It was downstairs at the Comfort Inn with lots of food (although nothing really of substance) and a DJ. Nicci, Sophie, Nikki, and I all bummed a ride from Krispy. The deejay had a mist machine and flashy lights and techno.. Digi would have loved it. It was so much fun, too.

The first song the DJ played when we got there was a slow song.. and Wendell and Brandon danced together to it. Then when the dance music came on everyone got in a circle on the dance floor (there actually was a dance floor) and were having like a moves contest. Apparently Scarecrow won with some fancy hand moves (I couldn’t see because I’m short).

I saw Katelynn there, Pockets, Ron, Gnorski, Joey, Andrew, Mike, little Jeff, Becki of course, Danielle, Ricky, Morgan Brett, … well. Almost everyone was there. At some point I was left with Joey’s jacket, hat, and drink, and I was like “Oh jeez, now I look like Joey from the back.” And they were calling me his mini-me. Dx !

A lot of people picked me up. I swear I probably got picked up more often than the little kids there did. Rawr. But oh well, lol. Uh, Gnorski hugged me a lot. And I partially did that on purpose, to avoid being caught unmanned. Haha. And little Jeff came back from the bathroom after one of the moshes and like dragged me out on the dance floor and tried to dance with me.. but in his sweatiness he dropped me on the floor trying to dip me. XDD

Uh, I think the highlight of the night was probably all the juggalos getting to the middle of the dance floor and yelling along with “Homies.” It was funny ’cause there was a circle of guys and then us four girls made our own line because the guys wouldn’t let us in their circle. Haha. I’m sure that’s not really the case, but whatever. It was amazing.. and unifying.

I tried to join in the mosh thingy for “Bodies” but whenever the chorus started and the bashing started people were just moving me out of the way instead of ramming into me. I went over to Danielle afterward, put my head on her shoulder, and whined, “Danielle, they wouldn’t let me playy.”

Nicci and I had to leave early, because the ice had started and mom and dad didn’t want us that far out there during the ice. I stole some hugs and took my dyed green rose and a remembrance sticker with me.

The whole day was really.. liberating. I’m not so sad anymore. Scarecrow was right, Digi can live on in all of us if we embrace ourselves. That’s what he always did. He was always himself all of the time. And that is the key to being truly happy. I woke up this morning feeling like it had been one long nightmare… and that I was okay. Saturday is going to be hard but I think I am okay.

And I had been okay, more or less. And I have been okay, except every once in a while I hear a song, or do something, or someone else does something, that reminds me of him. Then I break down. I have a bit of a shrine to him on the wall behind me, which has yet to really set me off except, of course, when I was actually putting it together immediately following the accident. It still amazes me how quickly we all pulled together, probably over half of Martinsburg, really, some of us total strangers, to memorialize DiGi. Everyone was really supportive to each other, and we all got through thanks to that..

But every once in a while it still tears me apart. And I guess the pain never really goes away when you lose someone. You can set it on the back burner so that life goes on, but every once in a while it comes back to the forefront, and it’s a different kind of pain–duller, if anything–but it still hurts just as badly. To this day I would do anything to bring that man back, tell him how amazing he is, and tell him to be more careful that Sunday night…