I am tired of keeping my feelings pent up and secret. But I don’t have the vocabulary to talk about how I feel when I’m feeling it, and when I’m not, I can’t admit that I ever do. I hate the thought of seeming weak or vulnerable. I’m very guarded. As far as other people know, I never have serious emotions about anything. Besides when Digi died, no one outside of my family has ever seen me cry (not counting when I was little). I want to talk about how I’m feeling, so I feel like someone cares, but at the same time I feel like nobody cares enough for me to talk to them about any of it–actual fears, things that really make me happy, when I’m truly feeling sad. Even here as I’m writing about my confusion, I’m having a hard time finding the words, and am debating with myself whether I really want to publish this and let others see it or not. I just feel like now, with how I’ve interacted with the people in my life so far, if I came to them with my emotions, they wouldn’t know what to do or what to say, or worse, they just really wouldn’t care at all. And it’s a hard habit to break, this stoicism, or whatever the word for it is. I want to open up but I don’t, and I’m not sure whether it’s because I can’t or just won’t. I don’t even know how one brings up stuff like that, especially how to start when it’s something that never happens, and that nobody expects.

I confess to walking around campus tonight, crying to my mp3 players. Thinking about Digi and Ry and Jeremy and goneness. How abruptly I’ve lost (or dropped) people in the recent past, and how sad and lonely the suddenness is. It’s really what causes that hollow chest feeling–the sudden, utter goneness. I really wanted someone to talk to, but I don’t know how to communicate that to someone without feeling vulnerable and needy and pathetic. And again, who would want to listen? I don’t know if, at the time, I could have articulated why exactly I was feeling down, except in the tweets I texted to my Twitter while I was out there (“After all this time i still cant come to terms with complete, utter goneness” and “No one dies alone; a little piece of everyone who loved someone dies with them when they go“), and I can’t see me verbalizing those without feeling foolish. And I guess I’ve typed up everything I can say about tonight without it becoming a rant.

I don’t get stressed often. Really, I don’t. I’m not sure what it is, because I know I tend to overload myself with work (18 credit hours, hurray!), but only maybe once every couple of months do I feel stressed from my everyday life. And I’m feeling it today, and was yesterday. My computer’s keyboard is bust, which means I can’t do my classwork or my station work or my work-for-fun in the comfort of my dorm room anymore! And I have to wait until at least next weekend, when my parents are coming down to look at a house we want to buy for my brother, two of our friends, and myself here by school next year; dad will probably have to take the computer home with him. I’m thinking about getting a netbook to supplement the fact that I can’t type on my laptop. My monstrosity of a Lenovo is still a great entertainment system for a computer (awesome sound, big screen), just isn’t very travelable, so I’m thinking we can keep it around for watching Netflix online and playing music over the Web. Then my little netbook can be my word processor and web surfer, and it can travel with me between home in Huntington and home in M-burg. The netbook I want is either the Asus Eee PC 900HA, or the 904HA; it’s got the smallest [affordable] screen at 8.9 inches, the best sound rating in a Netbook Round-up, and either a 6-cell or 4-cell battery depending on which one I can get (6-cells are the largest batteries put in netbooks so far; they have the longest performance time before the computer shuts down, at 5 hours on very minimal settings). Also, the two that I’m looking at either way cost less than $400. Mom was thinking about just buying me a desktop computer if Lenny isn’t fixable, but I really would rather not be chained to a desk.

So I’m stressed about the computer not functioning, and about talking to my mom about the netbook idea; not to mention the research paper I have due in two weeks that I’ve barely started on because I don’t care about the content and the research is impossible. I also have one more Spanish paper to write, as well as two more papers for theatre appreciation.. and registration is coming up next Friday! Which means I probably won’t get into ECN200 because I’m in the very last group to register behind incoming freshmen. Aghh… I’m stressing myself out just thinking about it. Methinks I’m going to go find something less stressful to do, now that I’ve gotten myself all wound up again. Hahaha. Ciao!