I am tired of keeping my feelings pent up and secret. But I don’t have the vocabulary to talk about how I feel when I’m feeling it, and when I’m not, I can’t admit that I ever do. I hate the thought of seeming weak or vulnerable. I’m very guarded. As far as other people know, I never have serious emotions about anything. Besides when Digi died, no one outside of my family has ever seen me cry (not counting when I was little). I want to talk about how I’m feeling, so I feel like someone cares, but at the same time I feel like nobody cares enough for me to talk to them about any of it–actual fears, things that really make me happy, when I’m truly feeling sad. Even here as I’m writing about my confusion, I’m having a hard time finding the words, and am debating with myself whether I really want to publish this and let others see it or not. I just feel like now, with how I’ve interacted with the people in my life so far, if I came to them with my emotions, they wouldn’t know what to do or what to say, or worse, they just really wouldn’t care at all. And it’s a hard habit to break, this stoicism, or whatever the word for it is. I want to open up but I don’t, and I’m not sure whether it’s because I can’t or just won’t. I don’t even know how one brings up stuff like that, especially how to start when it’s something that never happens, and that nobody expects.

I confess to walking around campus tonight, crying to my mp3 players. Thinking about Digi and Ry and Jeremy and goneness. How abruptly I’ve lost (or dropped) people in the recent past, and how sad and lonely the suddenness is. It’s really what causes that hollow chest feeling–the sudden, utter goneness. I really wanted someone to talk to, but I don’t know how to communicate that to someone without feeling vulnerable and needy and pathetic. And again, who would want to listen? I don’t know if, at the time, I could have articulated why exactly I was feeling down, except in the tweets I texted to my Twitter while I was out there (“After all this time i still cant come to terms with complete, utter goneness” and “No one dies alone; a little piece of everyone who loved someone dies with them when they go“), and I can’t see me verbalizing those without feeling foolish. And I guess I’ve typed up everything I can say about tonight without it becoming a rant.